Monday, June 27, 2005


I am slowly making my way through Confessions, by Saint Augustine. It is an interesting book, but definitely not a gripping one. Chapters five and six have drawn me deeper into his story, maybe because his struggles mirror some of my own so I am identifying with him. In Chapter six he writes:

"By believing I could have been healed. My mind's eye thus purified would have been directed in some degree towards Your truth which abides forever and is indefectible. But just as it commonly happens that a person who has experienced a bad physician is afraid of entrusting himself to a good one, so it was with the health of my soul. While it could not be healed except by believing, it was refusing to be healed for fear of believing what is false. It resisted your healing hands, though you have prepared the medicines of faith, have applied them to the sicknesses of the world, and have given them such power."
Sometimes when we are hurt, we tend to shy away from similar situations and people. But in doing that we can miss out on opportunities God has placed before us, opportunities He wants to use to strengthen us.

A few years ago, Craig and I experienced what I can only call a "disastrous church situation". Since then we have attended other churches, but we have purposely stayed on the fringes. We have made new friends, so fellowship with Christians is not an issue, just the church. Lately, I feel my heart drawn towards more significant fellowship in a church setting, but at the same time, the nerves that were hurt in the past are still raw and I tend to draw back when exposed to that situation.

Honestly, I am only talking about allowing ourselves to be part of something; making new friends, interacting a bit more. We don't feel led to be majorly involved, but I think church needs to be bigger part of our lives.

St. Augustine also writes this:
"I sighed and you heard me, I wavered and you steadied me."

At this point I am sighing and wavering, knowing that God's hand will do the strengthening I need to move forward.